I like to have a schedule. I like to know that I’m going to start with A, take a break and work on B, then finish with C, knowing that by the end of all my work I will have accomplished something worthwhile. I don’t necessarily like being committed to time slots; I still like to go with the flow of things. But I want to have the structure.
But here, I never know what I’m going to do when I wake up in the morning. Sure I might have an interview scheduled, but as soon as that interview’s over I have to have something else to do. I have to constantly be striving for the next interview, the next chance to observe, the next chance to travel to a village.
And it’s exhausting.
I try to relax and remind myself over and over again that I will find something to do – something incredible and educational will happen. But it’s so hard sometimes.
For example, I’ve been trying to meet with the Paramount Chief for weeks now. I’ve met several people around his office and interviewed many of them and made some really worthwhile connections. One of these being with the Ker Kal Kwaro Acholi Cultural Group, which is a group of young people that get together each week to practice Acholi dances. I interviewed their leaders, and I was invited to join them for practice on Sunday.
The practice started out slowly. I was told to arrive at 3:00 pm, and for some reason I decided to show up on time, even though I knew better. The only people there were the kids, and we were simply waiting for the adults to show up so the real practice could start. But while we waited, a group of about 30 children under the age of 10 started practicing their own dances. The little boys played rhythms on the drums while other boys and girls performed the carefully practiced courtship dance. It wasn’t perfect, no – they were practicing after all. But these children didn’t have an adult coach that was telling them to stop when something wasn’t right or directing their missteps. Their coach was a 7 year old boy who directed all the other children with confidence and ease. And the children listened to him, and they danced and enjoyed themselves – totally self-directed. Their parents may have taken them to the center to learn, but they poured their whole hearts into it on their own.
I had this experience by accident. I was invited to join this dance group in the process of looking for something else. The truth is, it scares me when I wake up on Monday morning and don’t know what my week or even my day will look like. I’m afraid that if I don’t get out there, I’ll miss talking to a key informant or I’ll miss an opportunity for visiting a village. I want my research to be the best it can be. I want to finish in May and know that I did the best I could. That I looked under every rock I could find to dig up information.
There have been enough people in this town conducting research that amounts to nothing. Will my research amount to nothing? And not just for my own self-gratification. I’m intruding on peoples’ privacy. I go to their homes and ask them questions about their personal lives, and in some cases my visit brings hope for a better future, regardless of the fact that I’m powerless to change anyone’s future here. Will all of this be for nothing? If I don’t do the best job I can, I’m letting all of these people down. I owe it to everyone I interview and everyone I will interview, every life that I touch.
That’s why I wake up stressed on Monday. I want to do my best to honor the contribution of all of my friends that have contributed and the professors that have guided me.
But I know that almost every Monday, I wake up and receive a phone call or I take my own initiative to visit a place. And that is when I usually have the best experiences and meet the best people. It takes a lot of faith to not know what’s going to happen next. It even terrifies me, sometimes.
But if I continue to stand on the edge of my comfort and refuse to jump, my feet won’t land on anything at all because they never even left the ground.
Gulu is helping me to find beauty in the unexpected.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
“All these problems just disappear because I have other things in my mind now.”
I know, I know, I haven’t updated in a month and a half. I could try to update you, in-depth, on everything that’s happened between then and now, but we just don’t have that kind of space here. So take these quick briefings along with a sincere apology. The bulk of this post is about the incredibly educational experience I had in a small village in Awach sub-county.
I started volunteering for the Pincer Group International, Ltd. They have a GREAT team, both in Gulu and Kampala. They’re basically a research think-tank. Jay and I were working on transcribing their focus group interviews and analyzing the data. Though we aren’t necessarily qualified or trained in analyzing data, our insights were earnestly offered as a possible fresh perspective to the situation. Though I learned a lot from this work, I soon realized it was distracting my from my research and other projects and that I needed to take a break from it. I haven’t been working there for a week or so now, and I’ve felt extremely freed up.
The cartoon project is well underway. We had a meeting with everyone a couple of weeks ago, and we all agreed on the need for a deadline. We are now working on producing the first cartoon, which will then be published and presented to organizations (along with the concept paper I’m writing) that could possibly provide funding. I’m REALLY excited to see this project continue. There’s so many steps it could go through, it could honestly keep me busy for several years. Major funding anyone? Job after college? Possibilities....
Speaking of time after college, in building my schedule for next semester, I discovered that I could graduate by May if I build my schedule correctly. (Which means I graduate on time!!!!!) I’ll take 18 hours this semester, pray that I can fit in my last gen ed requirement next semester and then fill in the rest of my distribution requirements while writing my thesis! After that I’ll..... come back here to find a job? Work on the cartoon project?
There’s a possibility I could come back here with a group of UT students. While Dr. Hackett and Dr. Hepner were here, they got things started for a summer program at Gulu University for UT students. Around 12 students would come over, go through an intensive 2 week course at the university with various, top-notch professors. Then the students will volunteer with various organizations for four weeks. The idea is international service-learning. They will be working in areas pertaining to their respective majors, offering the help they can, and learning a great deal from the experience. I had considered applying as a student, but I’ll be graduated by then, so maybe there would be an opportunity as a group leader? We’ll see. Right now, though, I’m pretty sure I’ll come back here to get a job for a year or two before I go to grad school. I don’t feel like I’ll be ready to go to grad school as soon as I get my Bachelor’s. I don’t know what I’d study. Plus, working abroad for a few years could give me the upper hand on the whole application process.
The UT/GU meetings were only one small part of the Profs’ visit. We also met with Dr. Betty Udongo, Tom and Milton from Pincer, all of the GU staff, and the Anglican Bishop. We can’t forget the great trip we had to Kitgum to visit Bishop Ochola or the meeting we had with Norbert Mao, LC V Chairman for Gulu District and 2011 Presidential Candidate. It was quite a busy week, to say the least. It all just seems to be a fast-forwarding blur in my head of meetings and dinners and car rides in the small backseat with everyone’s stuff. But we got a lot accomplished and came away with a new focus on our projects and new angles to research.
We’ve been learning Luo lately, and it’s going surprisingly well. If I just study my vocab more intensely, I could actually hold a conversation with someone. We’re driving our friends nuts because we’re constantly stumbling over pronunciations and verb tenses trying to talk to them. Or, they say something and we immediately ask them what they said and how to say it. Their patience so far has been remarkable, which is great because we need to practice to be fluent. I’m just imagine one day putting on my resume, can speak fluent English, Luo, and conversational French :)
For the important part of my trip for now, the research is trucking along. I met with a girl at the cultural institution and she’s making a meeting for me with the Paramount Chief. I’ve also been talking with a close friend of JfJ, George Piwang, who has his hand in some cultural revival programs. Recently, I went to a village in a sub-county of Gulu District and conducted some really interesting interviews. The villagers had almost all been abducted at some point, and now they have returned to this village and formed this dance group from their own initiative. When asked how the dance makes them feel, every participant responded with something along the lines of the title of this post. Everyone felt that they forgot their trauma while they danced and interacted with others in their village.
Everyone was really great and participatory. I was warmly welcomed. But I left with a feeling of guilt because everyone put more hope in my ability to help them than I could explain away. No matter how many times you say that you are simply a powerless university student, you are from the outside. And that means that people outside their village know that they are there and suffering. And that knowledge brings with it a certain expectation. How am I supposed to stand in front of a group of 30 people and explain to them that I actually don’t have the power or the money to bring them to U.S.? That I probably can’t rally the support or funds at home to pay for the orphans’ education? How do you answer those questions?
I need to go to other villages that have had something to do with cultural revival programs because their opinions are invaluable. Their opinions are the deciding factor for the results of the project and for the future of their community. But at the same time, I’m afraid because I don’t want to have to sidestep any more requests for visits to America. Because when this happens, I can literally see that so many people have placed so much hope in my visit, but only I know that that hope is misplaced. That I actually have very little power to help them out of their situation. That no matter how much I want to pay for their kids’ school fees, I know I can’t. But I have to go to other villages. I have to get more opinions. I need to document their existence in this entire web of post-conflict reconstruction that encompasses every aspect of life here.
Change of topic: I need to say APWOYO MATEK to my parents for sending me the care package!!! It arrived on time and in good condition. You should all copy their example and do the same :) Or you could just send me an email telling me about your life. I would really love to hear from you.
Other news: I now a master crafter of spiced African tea. Our house still has a lot of cockroaches and no water. Rainy seasons means it’s blazing hot all day and rains in the evening. We have some very mischievous, 3-foot tall peeping toms running around our compound. I have 4 months left, yet I feel my time is running short. We’re planning a trip to Rwanda soon to renew our 90 day visas, and we want to be tourists in that beautiful country. I need to brush up on my French. I miss chocolate chip cookies. Our friend is opening up a real café in town. I want to adopt one of our neighbor’s kittens. I’m sad I couldn’t watch the livestream of K’naan’s concert last night. His song, Wavin’ Flag is starting to be realllly popular here. It’s almost mango season, and it makes me really sad to see the mango tree they cut down outside our house to make room for the fence. I miss everyone at home.
Apwoyo matek. Wa nen!
I started volunteering for the Pincer Group International, Ltd. They have a GREAT team, both in Gulu and Kampala. They’re basically a research think-tank. Jay and I were working on transcribing their focus group interviews and analyzing the data. Though we aren’t necessarily qualified or trained in analyzing data, our insights were earnestly offered as a possible fresh perspective to the situation. Though I learned a lot from this work, I soon realized it was distracting my from my research and other projects and that I needed to take a break from it. I haven’t been working there for a week or so now, and I’ve felt extremely freed up.
The cartoon project is well underway. We had a meeting with everyone a couple of weeks ago, and we all agreed on the need for a deadline. We are now working on producing the first cartoon, which will then be published and presented to organizations (along with the concept paper I’m writing) that could possibly provide funding. I’m REALLY excited to see this project continue. There’s so many steps it could go through, it could honestly keep me busy for several years. Major funding anyone? Job after college? Possibilities....
Speaking of time after college, in building my schedule for next semester, I discovered that I could graduate by May if I build my schedule correctly. (Which means I graduate on time!!!!!) I’ll take 18 hours this semester, pray that I can fit in my last gen ed requirement next semester and then fill in the rest of my distribution requirements while writing my thesis! After that I’ll..... come back here to find a job? Work on the cartoon project?
There’s a possibility I could come back here with a group of UT students. While Dr. Hackett and Dr. Hepner were here, they got things started for a summer program at Gulu University for UT students. Around 12 students would come over, go through an intensive 2 week course at the university with various, top-notch professors. Then the students will volunteer with various organizations for four weeks. The idea is international service-learning. They will be working in areas pertaining to their respective majors, offering the help they can, and learning a great deal from the experience. I had considered applying as a student, but I’ll be graduated by then, so maybe there would be an opportunity as a group leader? We’ll see. Right now, though, I’m pretty sure I’ll come back here to get a job for a year or two before I go to grad school. I don’t feel like I’ll be ready to go to grad school as soon as I get my Bachelor’s. I don’t know what I’d study. Plus, working abroad for a few years could give me the upper hand on the whole application process.
The UT/GU meetings were only one small part of the Profs’ visit. We also met with Dr. Betty Udongo, Tom and Milton from Pincer, all of the GU staff, and the Anglican Bishop. We can’t forget the great trip we had to Kitgum to visit Bishop Ochola or the meeting we had with Norbert Mao, LC V Chairman for Gulu District and 2011 Presidential Candidate. It was quite a busy week, to say the least. It all just seems to be a fast-forwarding blur in my head of meetings and dinners and car rides in the small backseat with everyone’s stuff. But we got a lot accomplished and came away with a new focus on our projects and new angles to research.
We’ve been learning Luo lately, and it’s going surprisingly well. If I just study my vocab more intensely, I could actually hold a conversation with someone. We’re driving our friends nuts because we’re constantly stumbling over pronunciations and verb tenses trying to talk to them. Or, they say something and we immediately ask them what they said and how to say it. Their patience so far has been remarkable, which is great because we need to practice to be fluent. I’m just imagine one day putting on my resume, can speak fluent English, Luo, and conversational French :)
For the important part of my trip for now, the research is trucking along. I met with a girl at the cultural institution and she’s making a meeting for me with the Paramount Chief. I’ve also been talking with a close friend of JfJ, George Piwang, who has his hand in some cultural revival programs. Recently, I went to a village in a sub-county of Gulu District and conducted some really interesting interviews. The villagers had almost all been abducted at some point, and now they have returned to this village and formed this dance group from their own initiative. When asked how the dance makes them feel, every participant responded with something along the lines of the title of this post. Everyone felt that they forgot their trauma while they danced and interacted with others in their village.
Everyone was really great and participatory. I was warmly welcomed. But I left with a feeling of guilt because everyone put more hope in my ability to help them than I could explain away. No matter how many times you say that you are simply a powerless university student, you are from the outside. And that means that people outside their village know that they are there and suffering. And that knowledge brings with it a certain expectation. How am I supposed to stand in front of a group of 30 people and explain to them that I actually don’t have the power or the money to bring them to U.S.? That I probably can’t rally the support or funds at home to pay for the orphans’ education? How do you answer those questions?
I need to go to other villages that have had something to do with cultural revival programs because their opinions are invaluable. Their opinions are the deciding factor for the results of the project and for the future of their community. But at the same time, I’m afraid because I don’t want to have to sidestep any more requests for visits to America. Because when this happens, I can literally see that so many people have placed so much hope in my visit, but only I know that that hope is misplaced. That I actually have very little power to help them out of their situation. That no matter how much I want to pay for their kids’ school fees, I know I can’t. But I have to go to other villages. I have to get more opinions. I need to document their existence in this entire web of post-conflict reconstruction that encompasses every aspect of life here.
Change of topic: I need to say APWOYO MATEK to my parents for sending me the care package!!! It arrived on time and in good condition. You should all copy their example and do the same :) Or you could just send me an email telling me about your life. I would really love to hear from you.
Other news: I now a master crafter of spiced African tea. Our house still has a lot of cockroaches and no water. Rainy seasons means it’s blazing hot all day and rains in the evening. We have some very mischievous, 3-foot tall peeping toms running around our compound. I have 4 months left, yet I feel my time is running short. We’re planning a trip to Rwanda soon to renew our 90 day visas, and we want to be tourists in that beautiful country. I need to brush up on my French. I miss chocolate chip cookies. Our friend is opening up a real café in town. I want to adopt one of our neighbor’s kittens. I’m sad I couldn’t watch the livestream of K’naan’s concert last night. His song, Wavin’ Flag is starting to be realllly popular here. It’s almost mango season, and it makes me really sad to see the mango tree they cut down outside our house to make room for the fence. I miss everyone at home.
Apwoyo matek. Wa nen!
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